A story about healing embodied shame as a woman of being with two men outside of my committed relationship

So what happened here?

The last two and a half years I grew into a partnership with this one lovely man.

From the moment we started dating of some kind (long story short) it was clear that we would have an open relationship and not be mutually exclusive.

When we were getting to know each other, calling each other lovers not partners, it was not really a big deal for me to let him share his love and eros with other beings (mostly women).

And I was dating and seeing other people as well.

Since I was 21 I had this idea that love and friendship can be shared in so many ways.

Why is it not possible that when it feels aligned for both (or all…) people involved to share love, friendship, and eros with another person when I’m in a love partnership?

It took a few years after this realization, but after my last monogamous relationship I knew that I would not have a mutually exclusive relationship anymore.

I didn’t really think about how that should look like, but I wanted this possibility to share intimacy and eros with others outside of my relationship if that felt as an authentic way to share space together.

While I was getting to know my current partner while traveling a lot and living in separate countries there were two men (male beings, yes) that I felt closely connected to as well and still see as my lovers.

They don’t live close by, so there’s a lot of space to connect with my partner who does live close by these days (for the obvious reason that we love each other and desire to connect and grow more together).

There were other lovely beings that I connected with, but in short I didn’t really connect so deeply with other ‘new’ men since my partner and I grew into our committed relationship.

In the last two months this happened.

I connected quite deeply and intimately with two other NEW men that are not my partner.

I love him and I loved being with the other two (not at the same time, jfyi).

They touched me, I desired them authentically, and I received a lot of pl3asure from them.

I had se% with TWO other men and I enjoyed it thoroughly and at that moment shamelessly and with a lot of love until…

I connected with my beloved partner again.

I love him, he loves me, he wants wholeheartedly for me to enjoy love and eros with others, also other men.

When we connected we had a good connection from heart to heart.

When we started making love though, and he started to go down on me to give me some juicy pl3asure, I could not receive it.

I felt numb, like he was pl3asuring someone who looked like me, but was not me.

I knew what to do, since I’m all about de-armoring and releasing trauma from the body and restoring connection and sensitivity.

I knew that I wanted to sink into my body again and feel his touch, because we love each other and normally have quite amazing se% together.

When I felt into the numbness, trying to feel his gentle touch, I started sobbing.

Suddenly I observed myself feeling unworthy of his love and receiving this pl3asure from him.

Thoughts that came up were:

‘I’m a fallen woman now, how can he still love me?’

‘Why does he still want to give this fallen woman pl3asure?’

‘Now I enjoyed a lot having se% with two other men that are not my partner, I’m unworthy to receive love.’

Of course I don’t believe those thoughts, but they were blocking me at that moment from receiving my partner’s love and eros.

These old societal patterns were still fully ingrained in my body, in my system.

Patriarchal ideas where it’s literally unsafe and dangerous for women to have se% before or outside of marriage. Even being punished when they are raped and didn’t initiate.

And this is what I did.

I wanted this.

I myself did the thing that was not safe to do and is still being judged in our western ‘free’ societies (sl*tshaming, anyone?).

This big embodied collective and generational traumatized part of me was popping up when I started to connect to ‘my man’ again.

While I was crying out all of these thoughts and numbness, he slowly continued.

Holding me in my process with so much love that I slowly started to feel safe again.

Step by step we were going into lovemaking and with every step I released the numbness and blockages that came up that were preventing me from experiencing pl3asure.

Eventually I was able to wholeheartedly connect with him again and receive pl3asure.

At that moment I let go of a chunk of embodied patriarchy.

Eros in essence is innocent, but our history has condemned it in so many ways.

Especially eros in women. Women living and embodying their desire and empowered eros was not welcome.

I want to allow myself this, because in my partnership, this is even desired from my partner as well.

I’m a woman and I can live, love, and share friendship and eros with others, with men, if that feels ok for all people involved.

Eros in essence is innocent, but we as human beings are so traumatized in the area of love, relationships, and se%uality, that we should take care and be aware of the shadows and pains of love and se%uality.

It can be healed though.

Curious to know more about this de-armoring and healing process I described above?

I’ll be sharing a bit more about this Monday August 3 at 14.00 (2pm) CEST Amsterdam, 08.00 (8am) EDT New York, 22.00 (10pm) AEST Sydney time in my Facebook Group TaoTantric Diaries (link in bio).

How internalized historical, religious and cultural ideas and trauma can be stored in your body in this day and time and how de-armoring can help you let go of that. Monday.

Because we can heal the pains of the past.

Also the pains of our wounded relationship to se%uality.

That we may embody enjoying the lovely pl3asure potential of our body.

With love.